For many women, sex isn’t just body parts interacting with each other. Instead, it involves your physical, psychological, emotional, cultural and spiritual self. It’s a complex area of your life because you’re a complex person.
So, in order to be comfortable with sex, you need to understand your sexual limits and boundaries. Once you know your sexual limits, you get to decide what to do from there. You can stay put, or you can expand your sexuality. It’s all up to you, and finding your sexual limits is the perfect starting point.
Sexual limits are important for singles and couples
You may think that sexual limits are only relevant to couples, but it’s super important for women to understand their sexuality, whether they’re flying solo, hitting the dating scene, or in a committed relationship.
In each of these three scenarios, knowing your limits helps you communicate what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not. It also helps you maintain boundaries while still getting to know someone.
Finally, if you’re in a committed relationship, understanding your current sexual limits can help you break out of a sexual rut and explore intimacy even further.
Communication is the key to sexual limits
For any relationship to work, you need communication. But we often forget about the relationship we have with ourselves.
In fact, most women rarely come face to face with their own sexuality. Maybe that’s because they were never shown how. Maybe it’s because sexuality is associated with shame or guilt.
Whatever the case may be, it’s important to communicate with yourself about your sexual limits. Unless you take this first, all-important step, it will be very hard to communicate with sexual partners about your preferences and boundaries.
So, how do you get clear on your own sexual limits? There are two simple things you can do. The first is to keep an intimacy diary. The second is to work through a simple checklist. Let’s cover the intimacy diary first.
Find your sexual limits with an intimacy diary
Like any other diary, your intimacy diary needs to be your private account of all things sexual. Let this be the place where you encounter your sexual self in all its complexity.
Here are some topics and questions you can write about:
• Use this diary to explore your desires and fears.
• If there are any areas of sex that seem strange, wrong or mysterious, this is the perfect place to dig deep and understand why.
• Does anything upset you about sex?
• Have you experienced sexual trauma that still triggers you?
• How would you like to behave during sex?
• What kind of sex do you want to enjoy?
• What are the emotions and feelings you experience during sexual encounters (either alone or with someone else) that you’re both comfortable and uncomfortable with. Why is that?
• What stories do you tell yourself about both sex and yourself?
• Do you struggle with body confidence and self-esteem?
• If so, how does it impact your sex life?
• Dream up your ideal sexual partner.
• Recall former partners and what worked and what didn’t. What pleased you, and what left you high and dry?
As you write and explore, you will find that you’re not just unlocking secrets about sex. Instead, you get to know yourself in an intimate way. Using an intimacy diary is one way to get to know your sexual limits better. Then, there’s the checklist.
Find your sexual limits with a checklist
Working your way through a checklist may sound like the least erotic activity you could possibly do to understand your sexual limits. But it gives you objective look at what you’re both comfortable and uncomfortable when it comes to sex.
Review the following items and mark each one with an appropriate response like: Yes, maybe, no, I’m not sure, fantasy, etc.
• Sexual touching in private areas, and without asking first
• Sexual touching in public areas, and without asking first
• Going topless with my partner
• Going bottomless with my partner
• Being completely naked with a partner in a dark, dim, or lit room
• Having a partner look at me while naked
• Having a partner look at my private parts while naked
• Masturbating alone while watching yourself
• Feeling aroused, alone or with a partner
• Making noise during either sex or an orgasm, both alone or with your partner
• Having a partner see or feel lubrication
• Seeing or feeling a partner’s erection
• Having an orgasm alone or with someone
• Seeing partner have an orgasm
• Masturbating in front of a partner
• Watching your partner masturbate in front of you
• Dry humping, clothed or naked
• Receiving manual sex for the vulva, vagina, anus or rectum
• Giving manual sex for the penis, testes, anus or rectum
• Receiving oral sex for vulva, vagina, anus, and rectum
• Giving oral sex for penis, testes, anus, and rectum
• Experience your partner coming on you
• Using a vibrator, or sex toy, alone or with partner
• Allow your partner to use a vibrator, or sex toy, on you
• Having vaginal sex
• Having
• Having oral sex
• Giving or receiving biting
• Giving or receiving scratching
• Giving or receiving spanking or slapping
• Being restrained during sex
• Wearing a blindfold during sex
• Being dominated during sex
• Dominating your partner during sex
• Wearing costumes or provocative lingerie during sex
• Perform a striptease
• Read erotic books together
• Record having sex together
• Engage in phone sex
• Engage in sexting
• Have sex away from the bedroom
• Have sex in a public or semi-public space
This checklist covers a lot of ground, but it can push you to explore what your sexual limits are, and what you’d like to try, either on your own or with your partner.
Communicating sexual limits with your partner
Once you’ve done some self-reflection, it’s time to talk about it with your partner, especially if you’re afraid that your sexual limits are getting crossed, or if you’re getting bored with your sexual routine.
One way to approach the matter is to first let your partner know how much you like the sex you’re enjoying together. If there are things you’re not comfortable with, speak up! We can’t expect our partners to read our minds.
Then, if you want to explore new areas of your sexuality, gradually introduce the ideas to your partner. One way to break the ice is to let your partner go through the same checklist in private.
Then, you can compare what you’re both comfortable and uncomfortable with. And together, you can respect sexual limits and move past them, too.
