As women, we love to validated for who we are. We love to feel valued, important and special. That’s why it hurts so much when you feel like your husband doesn’t pay attention to you anymore. You feel slighted, ignored, under-appreciated and taken for granted.
But is your husband really ignoring you? Could it be that you’re misreading or even missing his actions? Let’s find out.
Are You Caught Up In All the Wrong Details?
When we’re busy focusing on all the logistics in life, we can easily miss the special moments. Now, that’s not to say that details, schedules and organization aren’t important.
As women, we have a lot on our plates. Probably too much, if we’re honest. Much of the child care falls into our laps. And so does meal planning, household duties and keeping everything running smoothly.
Logistics matter. But what happens when they matter too much? Well, you can’t see the forest for the trees anymore. In short, it’s easy to lose sight of what’s happening around us when we’re only thinking about meeting deadlines and expectations.
What does this have to do with your husband? Lots!
While you’re running around trying to get everything done, do you notice him? Is he smiling at you, and you don’t see it? Is he sitting on the couch, wanting you to join him, even if it’s only for a few minutes?
Give Him Opportunities to Pay Attention to You
If you need more attention, you need to acknowledge and communicate that. He may not realize you’re feeling this way.
So, call the babysitter, or your parents to watch the kids, and schedule a date night for you and him.
What you need is important, so be sure that your needs are met to prevent frustration, resentment and sadness.
Are You Too Stressed?
We all get stressed. It’s part and parcel of living in the 21st century.
However, chronic stress can wreak havoc on our mind and body. It puts our hormones out of balance. When we’re chronically stressed, our cortisol levels (the stress hormone) go up and stay up. This means that our oxytocin levels (our feel-good hormone) drops and keeps dropping.
Without enough oxytocin, we can easily feel depleted, overwhelmed, depressed, anxious, lonely and disconnected.
So, if stress is taking up a lot of your life, it’s probably making it hard to see the love and affection from your husband. Because as long as you’re stressed, your husband’s attention might not be enough to make you feel better.
Do You Feel Insecure and Inadequate?
How many times has someone complemented you and you rejected their praise? For example, when someone told you that you looked nice, what did you do? Did you say, “Thank you!” and own your beauty. When someone says your dinner is delicious, do you defer the praise and only focus on everything you did wrong with dinner?
People give you positive and loving attention all the time, but if you believe that you’re inadequate and not good enough, their praise won’t change much.
If you’re husband does tell you how much he appreciates you, or how lovely you are, or how great a cook you are, it won’t really matter if you don’t believe these things, too.
Take time to praise yourself for all the wonderful things you do. And when someone (like your hubby) praises you for something, just say, “Thank you!” Let his praise and attention support what you already believe about yourself!
Your Husband Appreciates What You Do, But…
Men and women are different. That’s pretty obvious, isn’t it?
But here’s something that’s not so obvious. Beverly Keyes Taylor, founder of Easy Key to Success, teaches that men love when you praise their actions. They love to save the day and solve problems. Women, on the other hand, love when you acknowledge their being. A woman needs you to acknowledge her personal value and worth.
So, your husband might praise you the way he wants to be praised. That means, he might praise your actions and how great a job you’re doing.
This is great and you can appreciate that. But he’s sort of missing the mark. (And don’t worry, most of us do!)
Try to tell him that you love when he acknowledges you, and who you are, instead of what you do.
What does this look like in real life? Here’s an easy example.
When you make a fantastic dinner, your husband could say, “You made a delicious dinner.” While this is a nice complement, it focuses on your action and what you did.
Instead, your hubby could say, “You’re an amazing cook”. What’s the difference? This second complement focuses on you and who you are.
It’s a teeny tiny difference, but it makes all the difference for how you feel as a woman.
What Is Your Love Language?
In his bestseller book, The 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman shares a life-changing secret: there are five ways in which people give and feel love. Some people give and receive love with words of affirmation. Others need quality time to feel loved. Receiving gifts is the third love language. While acts of service and physical touch are what fulfill others.
Which love language does your husband speak? And is it your love language, too? If you both use different love languages, your husband might be loving you according to his language, but it might go right over your head.
For example, if your husband’s love language is acts of service, he will probably try to do things for you to show his love. But if you need physical touch to feel loved, you won’t feel loved by his acts of service. Plus, you won’t appreciate his acts of service.
If you feel that this is why you don’t feel loved and appreciated anymore, join thousands of others who have read Chapman’s groundbreaking book and discover how your husband can love you in a way that fits your needs perfectly.
By first paying attention to yourself, you can see what you need to feel loved and important. And when you understand your needs, you can communicate this with your husband to create a relationship full of understanding and appreciation.