The Relationship Controversy: Stop Looking for Relationships and You’ll Find One may earn commission when you buy something through the links or banners on this page.

It’s hard to be single during the holidays, and like Bridget Jones, you cringe when your well-meaning friends and family ask about your single life. Again. And even though there’s a lot of pressure to be with someone, try not to put that pressure on yourself.

The thing is, when you look for potential relationships with everyone you meet, you’ll probably freak people out and end up unhappy. Instead, stop looking for relationships and you’ll find one. And if you’re still skeptical about that, read these seven secrets about this relationship controversy.

Do what you love instead of looking for someone to love

You might look at every friendly smile, “hello”, and a handshake as the start of a budding romance. But you’ll probably psych everyone out that way. And even though you really want a partner by your side, it’s better to stop looking for someone to love, and instead to just start doing what you love.

Do you love eating out and trying new restaurants? What about wine tasting, cooking classes, or poetry readings? It doesn’t really matter what it is. If you love certain places or activities, pursue them.

They’ll light you up and feed your passions, and that’s massively attractive. What’s more, there’s a good chance you’ll meet someone who’s into these same things, and common interests are a great foundation for any relationship.

Look for friends instead of romantic partners

Rather than look for future boyfriends, look for boy friends. This removes the inherent pressure of dating. Instead, just focus on getting to know each other, having a good time and sharing events with mutual friends and connections.

If a romance develops, great! If not, you have a cool guy friend in your social circle, and you never know. He might introduce you to his friends, and open the door to future friendships and romantic relationships.

Love yourself and you’ll be irresistible

One thing’s for sure. Guys love girls who love themselves. So, do just that – but don’t do it for the guy’s attention. Do it for you. Take care of yourself by keeping up with fitness, a healthy diet, self-care and cultivating your interests and passions. This sends a strong message that you love your life and take a vested interest in it.

Guys will want to be a part of your life because it's authentic, genuine and the result of your love and commitment.

No one’s attracted to “desperate” and “needy”

You might want a relationship, but if you’re not having any luck, or can’t find the man of your dreams, chances are you’ll start to grow desperate and needy. But these are never attractive traits.

Plus, the more desperate you are, the more you’ll lower your standards and settle for less. A guy could treat you poorly, show up late, make you feel bad about yourself, and leave you hanging. But that won’t matter to you – you want a relationship so badly that you’ll put up with this bad behavior just to be in a relationship.

So, try your darnedest to not be desperate and needy. Keep your eye on the prize: you deserve a cool guy, and sometimes it pays to be patient.

Stop looking but stop being passive!

Some people mistakenly think that not looking for love means to just sit and around until, poof! Love magically finds you. But not looking for love is different from being passive about love.

Instead of looking at every person as a potential mate, just set the intention to be open to love and the perfect partner.

You can create dating profiles and matching apps. You can go on dates and meet new people through mutual friends. You can go out and let yourself be seen. In short, don’t be passive and sit around. But don’t give everyone the eagle-eye as if you’re on the hunt. It’s a bad look and you’ll end up missing the mark.

Imagine your dream partner and know that he or she is coming

Now, this might sound like a contradiction to this entire article. After all, we’ve been saying that you’ll find your partner when you stop looking for him or her. But this one’s slightly different. Here’s why.

Imagine going to a restaurant and wanting the best entrée ever. But then when it comes time to order, you just tell the server that you don’t care what they bring you. Guess what? You will probably not end up with your dream dinner.

The same is true for relationships. You might want an amazing relationship, but then you don’t get specific about who you want as your partner. So, start to create a detailed idea of who you want to be with. What does he look like? What are his interests?

The thing is, the more specific you are about what you want, you have a much better chance of welcoming that very person into your life.

Not sure how to imagine your dream partner? You can start by journaling, and describe him or her to a “t”. You can also make a vision board, displaying the characteristics and personality traits you’d like him or her to have. Don’t be shy; just be honest.

Then, just trust that the perfect person is finding their way to you.

Don’t expect relationships to make you whole – that’s your job

Society places a lot of pressure on women to find a boyfriend, then a fiancé and finally, a husband. Somehow, when you do, you become whole because you've found your “better half”. But that’s a recipe for disaster and here’s why.

When you wait for someone else to complete you, you might not take steps to find fulfillment on your own. What’s worse, once you have a partner, you expect them to be your be-all-end-all, and this places way too much pressure on them.

It’s better to believe that who you are, right now, is whole and good. And good enough! And when you pair off with a partner, you’re not a 50-50 couple. Instead, you’re both bringing 100 percent to the relationship. And that’s where the magic happens.

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