Your past sexual activity might not be a part of your current relationship. But the old saying, “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas,” may not be very helpful here. Why?
Because your new partner may want to know about your sexual past – especially if it doesn’t include him. And they may not always like what they find out. Here’s how you can make sure your sexual past doesn't jeopardize your current relationship.
Sex means different things to different people
People look at sex differently. You may think it should only be shared with people who you truly care about, or only with the person you’re married to. But not everyone feels the same way. Some people enjoy casual sex, one night stands, open relationships, and other sexual encounters.
For example, for some men, sex is nothing more than having physical sex and pleasure. Nothing more and nothing less. For others, it’s all about ownership of the woman – at least in a sexual context. Some men see sex as an intimate union and a joining of souls.
But what happens if you’ve enjoyed sex as a physical, pleasurable encounter instead of a sacred gift in a committed relationship? Or, what if you do see it that way, but you’ve had many committed relationships before this one? How do you breach the topic of your sexual past without burning down bridges?
Is it necessary to share?
Yes, it’s important to be open and honest with the people you’re with. But there’s also such thing as disclosing too much. Believe it or not, only about 22 percent of women in this survey felt comfortable sharing their sexual history with their partners.
So, ask yourself this one, all-important question: Do you want to share your sexual history with your partner? If you don’t, don’t. You’re under no obligation to share all the dirty details with him. If he pressures you for information, it may be because he’s insecure and needs to feel confident and dominant.
But guess what? That’s not your responsibility, and that’s certainly not your problem.
Are you on the same page about sex?
If both you and your partner like casual, open relationships and the sex that comes with it, then it’s probably going to be less risky to share your sexual past with him.
But if you’re more liberal and he’s more conservative, you have to weigh the pros and cons. What good will come out of you sharing this information about yourself? If you think it won’t do much good, just keep it to yourself.
Pick a good time to share
If your partner wants to know about your sexual past or has expressed interest or curiosity, that doesn’t mean you have to dish the dirt, right then and there. It’s up to you to choose the appropriate time.
So, that probably won’t mean you tell him everything while you’re snuggled up in bed together. A good idea is to ask him – before you share your story – if it’s a good time, and if he’s ready to hear it.
That’s just a courteous and thoughtful thing to do. You wouldn’t want to burden someone if they’re feeling stressed out or having a bad day.
Don’t disclose everything
Even if a former sexual partner was amazing and you had out-of-your-mind sex with him, don’t say this to your current partner. Just think about it. How would that make you feel if he did the same thing to you? You’d probably feel incredibly insecure and want to find out everything you could about this other woman.
In fact, you can just decide that you won’t rate the sex – unless of course, it wasn’t very good. If that’s the case, it’s something you could laugh about now. Or, you could be honest and say, “Yeah, the sex was amazing with other guys. But it’s even better with you.” Now that’s a turn on.
Set boundaries
Before you talk about your sexual history, decide how it’s going to go down. For example, will your partner have to disclose his history, too? Will you give first and last names? What about the number of partners or sexual encounters – is that on or off the table?
Before you have this conversation, set boundaries both with yourself and with him. This can prevent people from feeling hurt, insecure and inadequate.
Test the waters to avoid judgment
Everyone has different sexual fantasies and some of them actually play out in real life. And let’s not forget that there are many different ways to be sexual. There are a lot of ways to have sex, and a lot of positions to go along with it.
That doesn’t mean everyone is going to like everything. So, if you’re afraid your current partner would be freaked out and judge you about something you did in your sexual past, test the waters first to avoid judgment.
For example, bring up that you heard about “(blank)” or you read about people doing it this way, and gauge his reaction. If he seems pretty open, you can relax. He probably won’t freak out when you reveal (if you reveal) that you’ve done the same thing.
On the other hand, if he condemns that sort of thing or gets very critical, take note. This is probably something you want to keep to yourself.
Show why your sexual past made you better
If your sexual past is a busy one, this might make your guy question you or it might make him feel inferior. In his mind, he’s just one of the many others you’ve had sex with.
But remember this – and remind him of it, too – now that you’ve had a lot of sex, you have more experience, too. You’re not a rookie anymore. You know what you like and what you don’t like. You know how to pleasure yourself and how he can pleasure you, too. That’s not a bad thing, is it?
Another way to ease any discomfort is to remind your current partner that you weren’t together when your sexual past was happening. Heck – you probably didn’t even know each other. So, your sexual past doesn’t mean you’re unfaithful to him now. Nor does it mean you don’t love him and deeply care for him now.
It means before him, you had sex. And that’s not that hard to wrap your head around.
